Time to stock up on stock ales

'The Government intends to introduce a new additional duty on beers over 7.5% abv in strength. This will help to address the consumption of cheap, “super strength” lagers that are also associated with high, and dangerous, levels of alcohol consumption.' More here.

But you'll be pleased to know that high and dangerous levels of cider consumption have already been dealt with by introducing a minimum juice content.

Tossers.

You can have any colour you like, so long as it's black

One Saturday we went to the old ale festival at the White Horse on Parsons Green. They didn't list what beers they had on the website but they did say what types of beer they would have:

• Winter Warmers
  
• Christmas ales
  
• Old ales
  
• Porters
  
• Stouts
  
• Milds

It was going to be a dark night. 

Disturbingly when we arrived there were morris men dancing inside the pub, and for some reason they'd painted their faces black. Now it's bad enough having morris men outside a pub, inside the pub is even worse and when they're done up like black and white minstrels there really ought to be a law against it. Fortunately they were just finishing so didn't disturb our drinking too much. 

Our first beer of the day was one of the lovely Lisa's favourites: Coniston Old Man. At 4.1% ABV it was a gentle introduction to the day's debauchery. Free programmes were available, which was handy, so we were able to get on with some serious plotting whilst sipping our first half. Purple Moose's Dark Side of the Moose, another favourite, was on in the side room or the Coach House bar as it was rather grandly styled. It took us two attempt to buy the beer as the first time we were driven out by someone dumping their guts. Bastard. Bring back smoking that's what I say, then you never noticed the flatulent bastards. The Purple Moose beer was worth it in the end, though perhaps a little astringent for my taste. 

Having read about the Sharp's Massive Ale with added wild yeast I had to give that a go next, but I wasn't overwhelmed. At an intimidating 10% ABV I was expecting something a bit, well, massive, but though it was a pleasant enough barley wine it didn't really taste massive. I thought Howard Town's Dark Peak, at a slightly more sensible 6.4%, had a lot more flavour, in fact in some ways it reminded me of something with rum or whisky added. 

Unusually for a beer festival the programme included a list of keg beers. I would normally dismiss such an anomaly out of hand, but as I have it on good authority that a craft keg revolution is sweeping the UK I thought it warranted further investigation. None of the keg beers were actually brewed in Britain though, which sadly made it look like another failed revolution. Still, I did get to try some craft keg during the day, as we managed to find seats upstairs where there was only a limited selection of beers on offer. My friend Dan (you didn't think I was going to buy it did you?) got a pint of Sierra Nevada Porter (5.8% ABV). Alas, this was not a whole new dimension of quality beer opening up to me, as it was too cold and almost devoid of flavour. And that's not just from me, that's what Dan thought and he was drinking a pint of lager when we arrived at the pub so I think it's fair to say is not much influenced by CAMRA. 

We did have some other beers, but funnily enough none stand out like the one we found on the way home. Waiting for a tube at Putney Bridge we saw what can only be the charitable work of CAMCL. On the bench opposite us was a unopened can of Carling. Being more than half cut I grabbed it immediately, I mean it may be shite but free beer is free beer. But then I thought of the poor thirsty tramps out there and I put it back. I would like to say this gave me a warm glow but it was so bloody freezing I didn't notice anything. I do hope whoever found the can enjoyed it though, as I'm sure it would have been wasted on me, and I was wasted enough already.   

 

Time is relative

One of the great contributions that Albert Einstein made to science was his understanding that time can move at different rates. His theories of relativity overturned the view that time is an absolute, which scientists had held to for thousands of years. 

If however they had spent less time thinking and more time drinking they might have arrived at this understanding an awful lot sooner.

I only have to step into a pub to find that time can speed up or slow down. When I stand at the bar what the clock may say is only a few minutes seems to stretch out to eternity. Once my first pint finally arrives I can find that time springs back with such vengeance that despite me being a modest drinker my pint glass is emptied at a rate which must surely approach the speed of light.

Even when I’m settled in the pub, time can speed up or slow down to a huge extent purely depending on who I’m talking to. If stuck next to an acquaintance telling me for the third time about his amazing skiing holiday once more time slows down to the extent I can start contemplating ending my own life just to escape this seemingly eternal torment. Yet an evening drinking beer with my mates, swapping stories about our beer fuelled escapades can end all too quickly.

One night that we still talk about is a shining example of the power of beer to affect time. When my friend Jimmy came running up with a tenners worth of beer festival tokens just five minutes before time was called, it would seem to many that we were facing an impossible task. But with the time altering power of several hours of beer stored up we were equal to the task. We necked back enough ale to use all the tokens up in such a brief space of time that surely the laws of physics must have been stretched to their limits.

And even when you’ve finished drinking the power of beer to distort time doesn’t end. Surely I’m not the only person to notice that the long trudge to the pub becomes a brief and pleasant stroll on the way home? As there’s no way this can be because I’m walking any faster it can only be because time has sped up.

The evidence that beer has the power to affect time is all around us. As I look back over the years I’ve been drinking one thing I can conclude with a high degree of certainty is that time is relative but beer is a constant.

This is my post for Zak Avery's competition. 

Lemon balm ale - an apology

I may have given the impression in a previous post that my lemon balm ale is a bit shit. I would now like to make it clear that I was entirely mistaken and it is in fact the Holy Grail of ales. 

It's good to see someone likes it, just a shame it's not me. 

Champion Keg Beer of Britain?

I got an email today with details of the SIBA National Brewery-Conditioned Draught (Keg) Beer Competition.

It's going to be at The Canalhouse 48-52 Canal Street, Nottingham NG1 7EH on Thursday 10 February 2011. A beer festival will follow over the weekend.

After some recent discussions it will be interesting to see how many breweries enter. 

I can't recall ever seeing a quality (or proper real or craft or local however you want to put it) keg beer in a pub in Britain, though I was pleased to see Fuller's ESB on keg when I was in the States. And I must have been in pubs that serve it, but when I'm in a pub I only have eyes for the handpumps. 

Someone's making money out of pubs

Pub group Mitchells & Butlers has seen its annual profits rise by a whopping 26%. Sadly this doesn't mean that the good times are back for boozers - drink sales are actually down, the company has got rid of many of its drink led pubs and the growth area is in food sales.

Robinsons Old Tom

One of the beers I got for my birthday (thanks Gordon!) was Robinson's Old Tom.
 

At 8.5% ABV it made an excellent night cap on Sunday. Drinking a beer of that strength got me thinking about the best beer review website I've ever seen so I looked it up and sure enough a review was there. As you can't improve upon the perfection that is Trampjuice I won't bore you by rambling on about the beer but will simply quote the review in full:

"Bottle Says: too pissed to remember, although i can remember a cat on it.

BRN Says: Well before you accuse old BRN of becoming a bitter drinking pipe and slippers, port and cheese consuming old Grandad, let me put you all straight and tell you that this deceptive little Bitter chimes in at a very healthy and inebriating 8.5%. Only a mere 0.5% weaker than the beloved Carlsberg Special Brew, and putting it at the top of the tree of 'Special' Bitters if there are such a thing.

The label looks high end with a picture of a cat (whom i presume is 'Old Tom'), on a red label with Gold trim. The bottle does look quality, and high end and does nothing to promote its potency. In short this is a very subtle brew, and one that I'm sure doesn't get abused like I'm about to (can imagine it next to a ploughmans). The bottle is only 275ml which is very disapointing, however since this isn't your standard trampage fare I'm prepared to overlook the said indiscretion.

I open the brew and again its a subtle opening. No massive hiss or hint of gas. The brew pours out very thickly (where as my Knife and Fork) and has a VERY deep port wine finish. It also boasts a fruity and malty aroma. I have to put several of these Fuckers into my pint glass to fill it, which doesn't come cheap. Clearly this is for Mark 2 Jag sporting Tramps.

I take the glass and attempt to take a hearty (first pint) swig. Wow!!! this drink is thick, rich and warming, its so rich and malty that i now realise that this drink is going to be almost impossible to abuse (losing tramp points BIG time), i soldier through pint 1 in what must be a personal record of 27 minutes. In short I'm having to sip the fucker That said its already starting to kick in???. I've already resigned myself that this is going to be a long night's work. I get to pint 5 and its starting to disagree with me. it also feels like I've drunk 5 pints of wine, I'm also pissed.

I'm 2 1/2 hrs in now and only on pint 5. I bravely soldier on at a snails pace and get to pint 7 by which time I'm well and truly chonged and its been some 5 hours. The last 2 pints have been a struggle and I'm literally having to force it down. I also feel like I've drunk 7 pints of wine , and eaten 3 very hearty roast dinners (interestingly I've only peed twice???). I retire to bed feeling about 3 stone heavier. I awake the next day with a head like there's a pneumatic drill going in it and a severely upset stomach. I spend all day on the shitter and my shit is Guinness black and pure liquid . apart form that I'm okay although I'm sure my blood has thickened ten fold. 

In Conclusion: Although this is a tramp juice percentage bitter, this drink has no place in a tramps hand. It is nigh on impossible to abuse (unless you've got a good 5 hrs handy), due to its sip only nature. its thickness and strong taste and its price to quantity ratio is piss poor. Believe me if you try and neck this you wont get far, and you'll probably vomit right back up. There are much better, cheaper and 100% easier cainable drinks out there than this 'Gentlemans' tipple. Due to its nice presentation, subtlety, and percentage I'm giving it a more than generous 2/10"