Friday 9 April 2021

Finally: The Death of Keg

It has been a difficult year for the faithful, with few opportunities to commune with the one true living beer. But take heart! I can now reveal news with will bring joy to all who revere cask beer as the pinnacle of the brewer's art: keg beer is dead!

Whilst some have spent lockdown on such frivolous pursuits as baking sour dough bread or learning foreign languages others have followed a higher calling. I can now reveal something I have been hiding for months, as it will soon become apparent to all. The opportunity presented by furlough has allowed a plan 50 years in the making to be put into effect. The order we have all prayed for was sent from a secret bunker in St Albans: the Albeergensian Crusade was launched! Like modern day St Patricks with a strange beer obsession teams of crack CAMRA commandos have been busy across the country driving keg beer from the land.

I first got wind that something was up when I noticed someone at work I didn't recognise pouring away some beer. I didn't think too much of it, sadly as a brewer you get used to seeing beer poured away.

A CAMRA commando at work

"At least it's only keg" I said. This caused the stranger to look at me quizzically. "Do you know the old man?" he replied. I was a little taken aback, but being a devout member of our Mother Church I knew this was a coded reference to Roger Protz. I made clear I'd met the great man and he'd even liked one of my tweets. At this point the stranger started applying hand sanitiser and said "I'd like to shake your hand". I of course reciprocated, using the CAMRA handshake, the secrets of which I cannot divulge. 

Having confirmed our mutual CAMRA membership the stranger was able to speak more freely and tell me how he, and others, had been working tirelessly, visiting countless breweries and destroying the evil keg. "But how can you do that? Don't people see what you're up to?" I asked. "It's the high-viz" he said. "Put on a high-viz vest and no one questions what you're doing."

And sure enough, he demonstrated just how far this could be taken as the empty kegs were decommissioned by having their spear removed before consigning them to the fiery pit. I mean scrap yard. 

Kegs awaiting execution

These will spew forth keg filth no more. 

I wish I'd been there to see shocked look on the drayman's face when he went to get some kegs now deliveries to pubs have started again. Despite what the stock list said there was not a drop of keg beer at the brewery, or indeed any kegs, a situation found across the country.

The breweries and pub companies have managed to keep a lid on the news so far, but come Monday everyone will know. When you next get down the pub, you will ask for cask. 


  1. Specifically, ask for Doom Bar. The lack of Doom on the few bars open in December was a national tragedy ignored by our incompetent BBC.

    1. Laura Kuenssberg has a lot to answer for!

    2. She has to find some means of maintaining her high-end, fashion wardrobe.